For adoptive parents, sending letters and photos to your child’s birth parents or agency is crucially important, even if there is currently no contact. Read The Cradle’s guide for this ongoing method of communication.
Openness in adoption is about connection, honesty, and respect. It can include direct contact between birth and adoptive families, periodic communication through an agency, or simply being open and truthful with your child about their story. It can look different for every family and often changes over time. For those with little or no ongoing contact, sending letters and photos to the child’s birth parents or your agency is an important way to honor the connection and uphold the spirit of openness.
Even if you don’t hear anything back, even if it feels like your letters and photos are being sent into the void, it still matters that you keep sending them. This isn’t just something to check off a list. It’s a meaningful and lasting act of love that centers your child.
What to Include
Letters and photos are a way to share who your child is and what their life is like — not just the big milestones, but the small, everyday moments, too. You don’t need to write a long update or include everything all at once. Focus on a few meaningful details that help paint a picture of your child’s world. Consider including:
- A favorite book, activity or food
- A recent milestone or funny moment
- A glimpse into your family’s routine or traditions
- Something your child is learning or enjoying
- Questions your child has for their birth parents
Photos can help bring your words to life. Consider including pictures from a special event or just from everyday moments. As your child grows, what you share can grow with them. Include artwork, school projects or a note they’ve written or dictated.
When children are young, adoptive parents are their advocates and storytellers. But over time, it can be meaningful to involve your child in the process of sharing. Help them understand that this is part of their story, and that they can participate in ways that feel safe and age appropriate. Making space for your child’s voice in this process helps them feel connected.
Why It’s Important
Sending letters and photos, especially when there’s limited or no contact, isn’t always easy. But it’s an important way to stay connected and support your child’s identity development.
This isn’t about expecting a response or checking a box. It’s about showing up consistently, year after year, to reflect the truth that your child’s story includes more than just your family. That continuity can be powerful. For some adopted people, knowing their adoptive parents made the effort, even without ever hearing back, can be healing.
It also keeps the door open. Birth parents may not feel ready to respond now, but that may change. And if your child chooses to seek more connection later, there’s a record that you’ve supported and respected that possibility all along.
If You Don’t Hear Back
It’s common for adoptive parents to stop sending letters and photos if they don’t receive a reply. But just because you haven’t gotten a response doesn’t mean what you’re sending doesn’t matter.
Birth parents may be dealing with complex emotions or life circumstances that make it hard to stay in touch. Some may be grieving. Others may not be sure if they’re allowed to reach out, or may be unsure of how their messages would be received. The decision not to respond doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. It may mean they’re not ready, or that they’re going through a time when communication feels overwhelming.
Even if you’ve lost contact completely, keep sending to your agency or, if one isn’t involved, consider creating a keepsake box. You can store letters, drawings, photos and anything else you’d want a birth parent to see one day. And if you’re unsure whether your messages are being received, reach out to your agency to check in and ask for guidance. Staying consistent through uncertainty sends a powerful message to your child that their story matters, and you’ve done your part to honor it.
A Note for Birth Parents
If you’re a birth parent and haven’t been in touch for a while, whether by choice, circumstance or uncertainty, it’s not too late. Many birth parents feel unsure about reaching out after time has passed. Grief, fear of rejection or simply not knowing if contact is still welcome can all make it hard to take that first step. You may wonder if you’re still allowed to ask for updates or send a message. You are.
If you placed through an agency, you can reach out to them for help understanding your options. They may have letters and photos sent from the family for you, whenever you are ready to see them. Know that your desire to reconnect or simply express love for your child is valid and meaningful.
Ideally, letters and photos can become a two-way exchange. If you feel ready, consider responding to what’s been shared, whether that’s answering a question, sending a note or photo of your own, or simply letting the adoptive family know that you’re thinking of your child.
Keeping Your Commitment
When you adopted, part of that process included a commitment not just to your child, but to their story and all the people connected to it. Sending letters and photos, even without a response, is one way to uphold that promise and show your child that their story matters.
If you need support, The Cradle is here to help. Our adoption-competent therapists can provide the support you and your family may need to navigate adoption’s challenges so you can better celebrate its many rewards. Fill out our online inquiry form or call us at 847-475-5800 to speak with one of our counselors.
