For adopted children and teens, the stress of navigating new classrooms and teachers, interacting with friends and other students, and increasing academic demands can overwhelm their coping strategies and trigger feelings of abandonment, social anxiety and questions about their identity. Keep an eye out for some common challenges and consider whether it may be time to see an adoption-competent therapist for additional support.  Some things to keep in mind:

Watch for Signs of Struggle

If your child tends to become dysregulated at times of transitions or in unfamiliar situations, consider providing the school with information that will help your child’s teacher better understand your child’s needs, preferences and challenges.

Remember that how a problem is defined often determines the solution that is identified. For example, children who struggle with emotional/behavioral regulation or who have a high need for control are often described as “defiant.” The solution to “defiance” is disciplinary action. In contrast, if a child’s behavior is defined as a need for improved sensory integration and self-regulation, then intervention is focused on skill building and environmental modifications.  

• For more information about this topic, refer to the Adoption Learning Partners course with Dr. Dan Griffith, Ph.D., Sensory Integration and Self-Regulation: Tips for Parenting Sensational Kids

Request Accommodations

Learning challenges are often grouped under the terms learning delays, differences, and disabilities. If your child has a history of prenatal substance exposure, prematurity or other early adversity, or is experiencing difficulties at school, educate yourself about the learning accommodations provided by 504 Plans and Individualized Educational Plans (IEPs). It is never too early to ask for a case study evaluation to determine whether your child is eligible for special educational services and/or learning accommodations.

• This article provides a concise summary of IEPS and 504 Plans

Create a Safe Place to Express Feelings About Being Adopted and Race

As a parent, you know that adoptive families encounter intrusive and insensitive comments about adoption. This is especially true for children in “conspicuous adoptions” (i.e., where you and your child do not look biologically related). Prepare your child for insensitive comments from others about adoption, being adopted and race. Phrases such as “not wanted,” “given up for adoption,” “real parents,” “lucky child” and “not looking like your family” can be upsetting and harmful to a child’s self-confidence.

Remind your child that they know more about adoption than people who are not adopted. Encourage your child to talk to you or another trusted adult about their feelings, including feelings about adoption, race and feeling different. Validate your child’s experience when they do share, using “emotion coaching” strategies.

Plan Around the School’s Meal Schedule

School lunch schedules vary widely, from as early as 10 a.m. to as late as 2 p.m. Many children experience behavioral challenges (e.g., irritability, inattention) when their blood sugar drops. This is especially true for some adopted children who have experienced early adversity. If this has been an issue before or becomes an issue for your child, talk to your child’s teacher about accommodations to allow for small, healthy snacks during the school day.

Establish Consistent Routines for Sleeping and Homework

Children’s bodies respond more acutely to lack of rest, and for some, lack of sleep can amplify behavioral issues. Before the school year begins, implement a school-centered bedtime and wake-up schedule. For elementary school age children, consider creating a “picture schedule” and “picture calendar” so that your child has a visual representation. For older children, help them harness the efficiency of their cell phone alarms. Revisit the plan and refine the schedule after two to four weeks, if needed.

Regarding homework, help your older school age child/teen determine the time of day and conditions when studying is most effective and efficient for them. Are they an early bird or a night owl? Support emerging executive functioning skills by helping your child prioritize subjects, reduce distractions, set aside time and space for homework, and break big projects into smaller steps.

Make Time to Connect at Home

With busy family schedules centered around parents’ jobs, school and extracurricular activities, it can be easy to lose sight of the importance of time to connect as a family. Remember, however, that the attachment relationship with your child or teen is an invaluable resource that needs to be nurtured and supported. Emotional connection to trusted people helps all of us to regroup, recover and carry on. Time to connect can be as simple as a bedtime story, cuddle time while watching a favorite show, playing a board game or pizza night. Enjoy being together and refrain from questioning your child and airing grievances. Remember that finding joy in being with your child/teen is one of the best ways to nurture their identity and self-esteem.