One Cradle adoptive parent did not initially connect her daughter’s challenges to adoption. Read what she wishes she had known earlier and how understanding adoption led to more effective support.
Understanding what a child is going through can take time and perspective. For children who were adopted, early experiences can shape emotions and behavior in ways that may not seem directly related to adoption.
One Cradle parent came to understand how deeply her daughter’s adoption story was intertwined with the struggles she was facing. Abigail adopted her daughter at the age of one in the early 2000s. She shares insights she hopes other adoptive families can recognize earlier in their own journeys.
Adoption Can Affect Mental Health
While adoption is mostly a happy story for adoptive parents, it can be more complicated for children, whose stories start with loss. Like many people who are adopted, Abigail’s daughter struggled with the aftermath of early trauma throughout her childhood and teenage years, often presenting as disruptive behavioral issues and anxiety.
Abigail was determined to find her help and took her to various kinds of doctors to seek treatment for her mental health challenges. Abigail said many of these visits were unhelpful, or even counterproductive. “None of the pediatricians, psychologists or neuropsychologists ever considered her [adoption] history in evaluating her. As a result, she was misdiagnosed for years. She had alphabet soup in her medical chart: ADHD, ODD, RAD, etc.”
Due to her misdiagnoses, she was heavily medicated. Abigail said the effects were often extreme. “She was medicated to the point of suicide. I was told she would likely develop serious mental illness and would spend her life in residential care.” Abigail was also told that her daughter would likely never graduate from college.
Eventually, she began looking for a different approach and brought her daughter to The Cradle, where adoption was considered as a possible underlying factor in what they were seeing.
Adoption-Informed Support Can Be Lifesaving
Adoption-competent therapy is a specialized form of support designed for families built through adoption. While many therapists can help with parenting stress or behavioral concerns, adoption-competent therapists bring a deeper understanding of how early experiences and loss can shape the parent–child relationship. This work is often relationship- and attachment-focused, helping families build trust, strengthen connection and grow together.
“Six months after starting therapy with an experienced post-adoption therapist, she was medication-free and stabilized,” Abigail said. “Her performance in school improved. She became more confident, self-accepting and started to let go of the deep shame she felt about being adopted.”
Once the underlying trauma and emotional impact of her early experiences were recognized and addressed, Abigail’s daughter no longer needed to express those struggles through escalating behaviors.
One of the most powerful moments in her therapy happened when she was introduced to a baby at The Cradle who was being placed for adoption. The baby was six weeks old, the same age she was when her birth parents made the decision that they could not take care of her. “We talked about how sweet the baby was, and how there was nothing that tiny baby could have done to make his mother choose to place him for adoption.” Abigail said.
Today, she continues to thrive. “She is doing very well now. With the help of experienced post-adoption counselors, she has the skills to deal with many of the emotional challenges of adoption.” Abigail’s daughter has now graduated from college and her story is just beginning.
“It’s hard for me to articulate how important post-adoption counseling was for our family,” Abigail said. “It pulled her back from the brink, saved her life and gave her tools to be a confident, capable and absolutely amazing young woman.”
Adoption-competent therapy can be a turning point for families struggling with emotional, behavioral and learning challenges. When adoption is considered as part of the full picture, families often gain new clarity about what their child is experiencing and what kind of support may help.
Parents Need Support Too
Adoption can be challenging not just for children, but for parents as well. Parents may have layered feelings of joy, guilt, sadness, relief and unmet expectations. Past experiences with infertility or struggles with attachment can add to these complex feelings, and post-adoption depression is not uncommon. Adoption-competent therapy can help parents process without judgement.
“I think that the guidance I received in parenting was probably as important as the work The Cradle did with my daughter,” she said. “[The counselors] gave me tools to parent her, acknowledge her pain and advocate for her. Because of post-adoption counseling, I was able to ask for accommodations in her school that gave her the support she needed.”
Parent coaching is often a key part of adoption-competent therapy, giving parents a space to reflect on their own experiences and expectations. Exploring how their parenting and attachment history influences their relationship with their child can help parents begin to foster a more secure and connected family bond.
Unlike some other types of therapy, adoption-competent counseling actively involves parents in the process. Much of the work focuses on improving communication and helping parents understand the underlying needs beneath behaviors, so they can respond in ways that are attachment-focused and trauma-informed.
When to Seek Support
Many parents seek support only once challenges become more visible, but early and proactive guidance can make a meaningful difference. Emotional, behavioral and identity development continue throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood, and different needs may surface at different stages.
For Abigail, that ongoing support helped her daughter build a more grounded understanding of her story. “Maybe the most important piece is that she recognizes that she was not placed for adoption because she was somehow not good enough. She is able to grieve the losses. It’s not easy, but post-adoption counseling laid a strong foundation,” Abigail said.
The Cradle is here to serve anyone touched by adoption, whether the adoption was through The Cradle or not, and however the placement was made: through agencies, attorneys, foster care or kinship. We offer in-person and telehealth sessions. Click here to inquire about counseling.
