When your loved one begins the adoption process, it can be an exciting and hopeful time! However, it may also come with unique challenges. The Cradle is here to offer guidance on meaningfully supporting your loved in their adoption journey.
If you have a family member or friend hoping to adopt, you may want to offer your support. However, adoption is a unique experience, and your loved one’s needs during this time may be different from what you expect. Learn how you can support your loved one in a way that takes the joys, challenges and intricacies of the adoption process into account.
Get Educated
There are many misconceptions about adoption. You might feel you understand it, but modern adoption practices often differ greatly from common perceptions. Acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers is an important first step in being a supportive family member or friend. Many adoptive families share that while their loved ones have good intentions, they often “don’t get” adoption, leaving hopeful parents feeling alone on their journey.
In order to adopt, your loved one will need to complete extensive education and training about everything from the home study process to openness in adoption. Although you won’t be attending the same courses, you can show your support by taking the time to educate yourself about adoption.
If your loved one is open to sharing, they can be an excellent educational resource. However, many hopeful adoptive parents feel overwhelmed by the added responsibility of educating others while navigating the challenges of their adoption journey. By taking the initiative to learn on your own, you can show your support while easing the burden of education off of your loved one.
Two great starting points are learning about adoption-positive language and openness in adoption. The Cradle holds a free webinar about supporting your loved one in their adoption journey. Get notified about our next session by emailing outreach@cradle.org. In addition to The Cradle Blog, Cradle counselors recommend these two books for those wanting to support their friends or family:
- “In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends” by Elisabeth O’Toole
- “Adoption Is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know” by Patricia Irwin Johnson
Take Your Loved One’s Lead
Every adoption journey is unique, and everyone’s needs are different. It is important to take this into account and follow your loved one’s lead.
One crucial way to do this is to allow your loved one to guide conversations about their adoption journey. You might have many questions or want frequent updates, but persistent conversations can sometimes add unnecessary pressure or emotional strain. Take cues from them about how often they want to discuss their journey and what topics they are comfortable addressing.
Similarly, always ask for permission before giving gifts or throwing celebrations related to their hopeful adoption. You may want to express your excitement by purchasing items for their future child, throwing them a baby shower or helping set up a nursery. But many families find it difficult to have those items before a placement occurs. Ask your loved one what they’re comfortable with and respect their boundaries.
Be Present and Listen
Listening is one of the most powerful ways you can support your loved one. Adoption journeys can be filled with highs and lows — from moments of joy and anticipation to periods of disappointment and uncertainty. Be there for them during all these times.
Pay special attention to days that might be particularly hard, such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and other major holidays. These occasions can bring up feelings of sadness for families waiting to adopt. Being sensitive to these emotions and offering a listening ear can be meaningful.
While it’s natural to want to stay optimistic, overly cheerful or dismissive remarks like, “It will happen soon!” or “Just stay positive!” can sometimes do more harm than good. These statements, while well-intentioned, can sometimes minimize the difficulties of the adoption journey. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel sad or frustrated. Sometimes, the best support you can provide is simply listening and validating their experience.
Supporting someone on their adoption journey is not about having all the answers or fixing every challenge they face. Learning, listening or simply being present can make a profound difference while supporting your loved one in their adoption journey.
