Rebeccah's Adoption Story

     

Rebeccah recalls how she announced her adoption decision to her friends

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Slide: Rebeccah “came out” with her adoption story on her Facebook page. Rebeccah: I did kind of “come out” three weeks ago on social media and I wrote this big long paragraph and I put a couple of pictures of while I was pregnant with my big ol’ belly and pictures of Logan growing up. And I said, “Look this is who I am, this is my son. This wasn’t my parents’ choice. It wasn’t my brother’s choice. It was my choice. So if you have any questions, comments, concerns, you bring it up to me, not to my parents.” Because that was the biggest reason that I think my parents wanted me to keep it a secret was that they were afraid of what people would say. I felt like I gave myself a year to kind of get up the courage. Because I’d go, “Okay, I’m coming out today.” And then I’d go, “Oh, no, never mind.” And then, “Okay, I’m coming out today!” . . . “No no no, never mind.” So then I decided to do it this year on birth mother’s day, the Saturday before mother’s day and I said, “Okay, today is a day for women that don’t get recognition usually. This is a day for women who are stronger on the outside than you would ever think of. And this is birth mother’s day and this is my day.” And then I kind of described my story and I just said, “This is it and if you have a problem then talk to me because I don’t really care. I will stand up to you and I will say, “I don’t care and this was my choice and I’m happy.”

Rebeccah describes her family's reaction to her placement

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Slide: Rebeccah went home from her university and discussed her options with her mother. Rebeccah: I came home and I told her and she’s like, “Well, me and your father think that you should have an abortion. It would be easier for you, it would be easier for everybody, if you just did that.” And I started crying in the middle of Panera saying no mom I can’t do that and I am such a daddy’s girl so I always want to do everything right for my dad so then I went back to school and I thought about it and I actually over Thanksgiving break I went home and I went to Planned Parenthood and I filled out the papers and everything and then I had to walk out, I couldn’t do it, there was no way and that just wasn’t me and I knew if I did it I would feel absolutely horrible about myself and I would never let myself live it down. My biggest thing with my parents is that I want to show them that I did the right thing and that I picked the right people and I’m afraid that they don’t understand that and that’s the part that I want to show them. Because I know that my dad’s mom was adopted and she placed and everything, but I don’t think it has connected with him because it wasn’t him. He wasn’t born when my grandma placed and I don’t think he understands all of it so I want to show him that I did do the right thing. I want him to be proud of me.

Rebeccah shares advice for parents considering adoption

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Slide: What advice would you give to somebody considering adoption? Rebeccah: To this day I will still tell everybody, if you’re not ready, go adoption. And I’m not like a pro-life person, I’m a pro-adoption person. If you want to have an abortion, then that’s your choice and it’s going to be hard to do that, too. If you’re going to do adoption, I’m not going to lie to you, it is difficult, too. But whatever choice you’re going to make, it’s going to be difficult. But it has to be what you want and it has to be what you think is best for your child, not for you.

Rebeccah explains how she handled judgement for her adoption decision

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Slide: Did you worry about being judged for your decision to place your son? Rebeccah: At first when I was pregnant I thought that people would judge me because I know, I will admit, I kind of judged people in high school saying, well, how could this happen, what are you doing, type of thing. So I did worry when I was pregnant that people would kind of judge me but then at the same time, I don’t really care if you judge me, go ahead. I know what I’m doing and I know, like, yeah I feel resentful for getting myself pregnant, I’ve dealt with that already, so I don’t need you to hate me, too. As soon as I chose adoption, I didn’t really care. I don’t really think people are hateful towards it, right now. I haven’t really come across anybody that is judging of me for doing this. I think that if I did come across, I think that’s just because it’s ignorance and they don’t really know anything about adoption.

Rebeccah shares her concerns about placing her child

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Slide: Do you worry about your son resenting your decision to place? Rebeccah: I do wonder how he’s going to take adoption when he’s older. I feel like Ken and Nicole kind of have a good grasp on how to talk to him about it, since they’re starting when he’s only 2 years old. But, I do worry, I do wonder how it’s going to go. I am kind of afraid that he’s going to hate me for it. I have friends that have been through this before and have children that are 20 years old now and I’ve kind of yet to hear a story where they hate their birthparents. So it kind of gives me hope that Logan’s not going to hate me either. But it does come across my mind, I do worry about it, but at the same time I don’t worry about it. If he does have questions, there will be Ken and Nicole and I to talk to him about it and we try to talk to him already, so I feel like it’s going to be okay.

Rebeccah remembers how she handled her first year after placing her son

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Slide: “All I had was time.” Rebeccah describes her first year after making a placement for her son. Rebeccah: That first year was really difficult. I think it was difficult because the summer that he was born, I didn’t have a job, I didn’t really have anything to distract me from it. All I really had was time to think about it. As soon as school started, it was a lot easier because I did have classes and I did have clubs and extracurriculars and things and I think if I would have maybe picked up a hobby or did something to distract me, I think that’s the only way that I really got through it the first year because I threw myself into so many things and I distracted myself. That’s really my advice, I guess, is to kind of just distract yourself because there’s no real way to get over it but time. I just kept telling myself that what I did was the right thing and Logan’s happy and he’s growing and they haven’t done anything wrong and he is in a better place and so I should be in a better place.

Rebeccah shares how her birth mother counselor helped her

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Slide: Rebeccah met with a Cradle Counselor when she was considering an adoption plan for her son. Rebeccah: So I met with her in December and we clicked right away, as well. She was great, she actually came down to Charleston every once in a while to meet with me if I couldn’t come up here. At first it was kind of a “are you sure you want to do this” type of thing, and then what are your plans, what are you hoping to get out of the adoption and things like that. And it was more about the emotional…a person to just listen to me type of thing. And then once it got closer to the due date and stuff, she helped me figure out what I wanted to do, what I wanted for a parent for my son and she helped me do that and she asked, well, one of the questions that still stands out in my mind, she asked me, “Well, what would make you not do adoption right now?” And I told her the only thing would be winning the lottery. And even after Logan came to the nursery, she was still there like if I texted or called her saying, “Hey, I’m just feeling really down right now,” she would still talk to me. Even if I probably called her right now she would still ask me how Logan is and everything. Even last summer, she emailed me saying, “Hey, it’s been a year! How are you doing? And I know Logan’s almost a year old now so how is he? How are you?” So she still kept up with me and stuff.

Rebeccah describes her feelings after placing her son in an open adoption

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Slide: “How could I do this for anyone else?” Rebeccah chose adoption for her son. Rebeccah: At first I was really kind of regretful because I was like, ‘How could I do this to myself? How could I do this to my parents? How could I do this to the birth father and his family?’ That’s more of my regret, was, “How could I do this to anybody else?” But then I just kept telling myself that this was what was best for my son. And I think that that is the biggest part of being a birth mother or a parent or any type of parent in general. You always put your child first. You don’t do anything for yourself as soon as you become a parent, everything is with your child in mind. And that’s just my biggest thing, is that it wasn’t for me, it was for him. And until the day I die, I want him to know that I didn’t give him away because I didn’t love him. I placed him with a family that will give him more love and more things than I ever could and now this way he has three families to love him instead of just one or just two. I did kind of feel regretful at the beginning, but then it was, I have to think about him and think about what he wants in ten years, and so I was, but then it changed.

Rebeccah, a birth mother, describes her ties to adoption

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Slide: “Nobody would tell me I did a bad thing.” Rebeccah placed her son for adoption. Rebeccah: My grandma was adopted, her brother and sister were adopted, and then later I found out that my grandma actually placed a daughter for adoption so adoption is kind of really close. And me and my grandma were really close and we were really the same exact person, so it just kind of tied me that much closer. And my nurse on that Monday when I was leaving, her name was Gerry and my grandma’s name was Gerry, and she was adopted as well. And I’m the person that believes in guardian angels and everything, so I fully believed that was my grandma sending me this message going, “No, really, you need to do this.” So there was no doubt in my mind. And she walked in in the morning, and she said, “Hi, I’m your nurse, I’m Gerry, and I just saw on your file that you’re placing for adoption and I just want to let you know how much of an impact you’re making right now, and it’s a great thing what you’re doing.” And this was the first person who ever told me what I was doing was a great thing. So, from that point on I was like, “Nobody’s going to tell me I did a bad thing.”

Rebeccah describes her open adoption relationship

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Slide: “We hear about what he’s doing all the time.” Rebeccah placed her son in an open adoption. Rebeccah: I went to his baptism and then that’s just where it all began with his family. And his family came up to us saying how much they loved us and how proud they are of us and how they’re just so thankful and how happy we made Ken and Nicole and it was great. We still get to see him about four times a year. I can email Nicole saying “Hi, can we Facetime this weekend?” or “Hey, I’m going to be home for Thanksgiving, can we see each other?” They’ll say, “Of course!” And we’ll figure out a time and they let us bring a friend or our family if we want to to birthday times or to a meeting or anything like that so that he’s not closed off and we get to know what he’s doing. And once a month, we get an email saying, “Okay, this is what he’s talking about now!” or “He’s doing this!” So we get to know about him all the time and it’s great.

Rebeccah remembers how she made an adoption plan for her son

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Slide: Rebeccah chose to make an adoption plan for her son. Rebeccah: He was two weeks early and so we were supposed to meet the adoptive parents the next Wednesday and he was born on the Saturday before. We still stayed with the Wednesday appointment to meet them and we spent probably three hours talking to them because we just couldn’t stop connecting with them and it was fantastic and we just fell in love with them as soon as we met them. To this day, they are still the perfect parents ever, I love them to death, they’re amazing. And so then we met with them for like three hours and then we decided that we would meet again in a couple of days to introduce them to our son, to say, “Well, we just want to see how you’d be with him.” So we went and we came up to the nursery, and they fell in love with him, and then we fell in love with them with him, and it was perfect.