Placement Questions
What should I do if I do not have any information about why my child's birth parents made an adoption plan?
If you have no information about the reason for placement, acknowledge it honestly. It is tempting to speculate but if you do, be clear that it is speculation. You can say “We don’t know why your birth mother chose to make an adoption plan but the agency did tell us that she was only sixteen when she gave birth to you. That’s very young and I think she knew that she wouldn’t be able to take care of you and finish school and work at a job to get money to give her money for what you needed.” Don’t skip the page about the reason for placement just because you don’t have the information – your child needs to understand that you are including all that you know about this emotionally charged decision.
How can my child and I work on this together?
This page can be very difficult for a child to work on as it will bring up feelings of grief and loss as well as possibly anger. It can be difficult for you as well to watch your child in pain, especially if you have unresolved issues surrounding the birth parents or the way placement took place. You need to be able to approach the subject objectively and not put the birth parents in a negative light. That’s tough to do in some situations. You might consider working on this section of the Lifebook with a therapist who is familiar with adoption issues. They can help your and your child cope with emotional responses to the material and give you advice and support.
The reason for placement was very unpleasant. Should I include it?
When explaining the reasons for placement, you need to be as honest and factual as you can, taking into account your child’s age and ability to comprehend. Your child needs to know the facts of their history, no matter how difficult or painful. They need to understand that what happened was done by others and their poor decisions had consequences. Explanations about placement should always be phrased in a way that the child can understand. Young children can be told that there are good and bad drugs, good drugs, which make people healthy and bad drugs, which make them unhealthy. The same approach can be used with physical or sexual abuse. Find terms that explain the problem in simple ways. As the child grows older, more details about the situation can be provided. Since this can be such sensitive information, seeking the advice and support of a therapist would be helpful.
We are in an open adoption, how do I complete this page?
If you are in contact with one or both of the birth parents, you may want to ask them to write something for this page. Use the information that you have about the circumstances of placement and write a story for your child about how your family and his birth family came together.
I don't know the details of the reason for placement. How do I complete this page?
Children need real, concrete explanations about why they were placed for adoption. They want to know more than “Your mother couldn’t take care of you.” Even if you don’t know the actual reasons for your child’s adoption, you probably know enough about the circumstances to construct an explanation. Just be clear that it is speculation. It is important that your child understand not only why they were placed, but that they had nothing to do with the decision. You can explain that it was not an easy decision for the birth parents, and that placement was an expression of their love for the child, not an absence of concern.
Should I include time spent in a nursery or temporary foster home?
If your child spent time in a nursery, temporary foster home or other setting after birth but before coming home to you, you may want to include that information here, no matter how brief the stay.