Question 1
You take Craig to the pediatrician to make sure there is not a medical issue. Craig seems to cry most of the time, unless he is eating or asleep. You begin to feel anxious because you feel like you are not doing the right thing to comfort him. Your doctor says he is healthy and to give it some time, but you begin to question whether you will be a good parent. Your spouse feels helpless because you are so upset.
Before you explore possible options for addressing the situation, explore the opinion of an expert, the story of a parent in a similar situation or a list of tools and techniques for handling different behaviors. The information provided by these resources will change with each step in the scenario – so check them often.
It is important to recognize that adoptive parents go though many of the same stress points that parents who give birth to their children go through. Lack of sleep and increased family responsibilities can be compounded with adoptive families if there wasn’t much notice before placement or if there is limited maternity/paternity leave offered through work.
Look for support during this time of transition. Turn to your adoption counselor, other trained counselors or therapists, or adoption support groups. While stress and lack of sleep is normal with a new baby, it helps to talk out your experiences and feelings with people who understand. They can also help determine if what you are going through is fairly typical or actually post adoption depression.
When we brought our daughter home from the hospital, we spent a lot of time holding her and feeding her. I wore her in a baby carrier as much as possible to provide close contact. I took off of work for three months and my husband was able to take off for four weeks. It took us awhile to get to know our baby. We just stayed calm and realized it would take some time to learn her cues. We did learn them though and became more confident every day we were with her.
Consider infant massage. It creates a bond between you and your baby, creates a calm and relaxing atmosphere, and gives you a special time together. It improves digestion, circulation, and muscle tone. It stimulates the skin and increases oxygen and nutrient flow. Many hospitals provide infant massage classes but here are some basics:
- Find the best time for you and your baby, usually that’s when the baby is quiet and alert.
- Start with the legs. Use long, firm strokes, repeating it 5-8 times.
- You may use oil.
- Massage for about 15 minutes, watching the baby for signs of engagement or distress.
Engagement signals include opening eyes, smiling, reaching, moving arms and legs, and babbling. Distress signals include yawning and falling asleep, crying, hiccupping, arching the back. Stop the massage if the baby is exhibiting stress signals.
Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.
The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.
Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year
Does the child:
- appear alert?
- respond to people?
- show interest in the human face?
- track with his eyes?
- vocalize frequently?
- exhibit expected motor development?
- enjoy close physical contact
- signal discomfort?
- appear to be easily comforted
- exhibit normal or excessive fussiness?
- appear outgoing or is he passive and withdrawn?
- have good muscle tone?
Does the parent:
- respond to the infant’s vocalizations?
- change voice tone when talking to or about the baby?
- engage in face to face contact with the infant?
- exhibit interest in and encourage age appropriate development?
- respond to the child’s cues
- demonstrate the ability to comfort the infant?
- enjoy close physical contact with the baby?
- initiate positive interactions with the infant?
- identify positive qualities in the child?
What would you do?
Result:
After talking with your counselor, you feel relieved that your feelings are normal and you take some of the pressure off of yourself. You focuse on some techniques your counselor suggested to facilitate bonding. Your counselor suggested they try infant massage every night before bed. It helped to calm Craig down and it was a joyful and relaxing experience for you as parents.
Insight:
The post-placement period is a time of transition for everyone in your family. Your counselor is available to help you through this time. You should take advantage of this additional support. Attachment is a dance that you and your baby will learn together, but it might take some time before you get the steps down pat. This is a normal experience.
Result:
You try to wait it out, but Craig continues to be fussy. You feel confused about why you can’t comfort your baby.
Insight:
Some of Craig’s behavior is typical for a baby going through a transition, and if you wait it out it might work itself out. But there are many proactive things you could be doing to facilitate bonding and ease the transition for Craig, such as peek-a-boo games, talking, singing, lots of cuddling and giving Craig soothing baths as a family.
Result:
You continue to experience concern over your attachment with your baby and your ability to comfort him. Tension begins to mount in your relationship with your spouse as well. You are not sleeping well and are very stressed.
Insight:
Babies pick up on their parent’s emotions and stress level. The more stressed and tense you feel, your baby will feel that as well and become more distressed themselves. Craig is not learning how to be soothed or soothe himself because his environment is stressful.
Question 2
You take Craig to the pediatrician to make sure there is not a medical issue. Craig seems to cry most of the time, unless he is eating or asleep. You begin to feel anxious because you feel like you are not doing the right thing to comfort him. Your doctor says he is healthy and to give it some time, but you begin to question whether you will be a good parent. Your spouse feels helpless because you are so upset.
Before you explore possible options for addressing the situation, explore the opinion of an expert, the story of a parent in a similar situation or a list of tools and techniques for handling different behaviors. The information provided by these resources will change with each step in the scenario – so check them often.
It is important to recognize that adoptive parents go though many of the same stress points that parents who give birth to their children go through. Lack of sleep and increased family responsibilities can be compounded with adoptive families if there wasn’t much notice before placement or if there is limited maternity/paternity leave offered through work.
Look for support during this time of transition. Turn to your adoption counselor, other trained counselors or therapists, or adoption support groups. While stress and lack of sleep is normal with a new baby, it helps to talk out your experiences and feelings with people who understand. They can also help determine if what you are going through is fairly typical or actually post adoption depression.
When we brought our daughter home from the hospital, we spent a lot of time holding her and feeding her. I wore her in a baby carrier as much as possible to provide close contact. I took off of work for three months and my husband was able to take off for four weeks. It took us awhile to get to know our baby. We just stayed calm and realized it would take some time to learn her cues. We did learn them though and became more confident every day we were with her.
Consider infant massage. It creates a bond between you and your baby, creates a calm and relaxing atmosphere, and gives you a special time together. It improves digestion, circulation, and muscle tone. It stimulates the skin and increases oxygen and nutrient flow. Many hospitals provide infant massage classes but here are some basics:
- Find the best time for you and your baby, usually that’s when the baby is quiet and alert.
- Start with the legs. Use long, firm strokes, repeating it 5-8 times.
- You may use oil.
- Massage for about 15 minutes, watching the baby for signs of engagement or distress.
Engagement signals include opening eyes, smiling, reaching, moving arms and legs, and babbling. Distress signals include yawning and falling asleep, crying, hiccupping, arching the back. Stop the massage if the baby is exhibiting stress signals.
Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.
The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.
Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year
Does the child:
- appear alert?
- respond to people?
- show interest in the human face?
- track with his eyes?
- vocalize frequently?
- exhibit expected motor development?
- enjoy close physical contact
- signal discomfort?
- appear to be easily comforted
- exhibit normal or excessive fussiness?
- appear outgoing or is he passive and withdrawn?
- have good muscle tone?
Does the parent:
- respond to the infant’s vocalizations?
- change voice tone when talking to or about the baby?
- engage in face to face contact with the infant?
- exhibit interest in and encourage age appropriate development?
- respond to the child’s cues
- demonstrate the ability to comfort the infant?
- enjoy close physical contact with the baby?
- initiate positive interactions with the infant?
- identify positive qualities in the child?
What would you do?
Result:
After talking with your counselor, you feel relieved that your feelings are normal and you take some of the pressure off of yourself. You focuse on some techniques your counselor suggested to facilitate bonding. Your counselor suggested they try infant massage every night before bed. It helped to calm Craig down and it was a joyful and relaxing experience for you as parents.
Insight:
The post-placement period is a time of transition for everyone in your family. Your counselor is available to help you through this time. You should take advantage of this additional support. Attachment is a dance that you and your baby will learn together, but it might take some time before you get the steps down pat. This is a normal experience.
Result:
You try to wait it out, but Craig continues to be fussy. You feel confused about why you can’t comfort your baby.
Insight:
Some of Craig’s behavior is typical for a baby going through a transition, and if you wait it out it might work itself out. But there are many proactive things you could be doing to facilitate bonding and ease the transition for Craig, such as peek-a-boo games, talking, singing, lots of cuddling and giving Craig soothing baths as a family.
Result:
You continue to experience concern over your attachment with your baby and your ability to comfort him. Tension begins to mount in your relationship with your spouse as well. You are not sleeping well and are very stressed.
Insight:
Babies pick up on their parent’s emotions and stress level. The more stressed and tense you feel, your baby will feel that as well and become more distressed themselves. Craig is not learning how to be soothed or soothe himself because his environment is stressful.