Scenario 1

When they first get her home, Satvika seems to adjust very well. She accepts her new home, and seems comfortable with her new family. However, she is very quiet and often just sits and rocks herself. She refuses to eat at mealtimes, but later her parents find food in her pockets and hidden in her room.

Children who come from difficult backgrounds often have food issues. Early food deprivation may cause them to have irrational fears and behaviors related to food. They may:

  • Hoard food
  • Gorge themselves
  • Eat only one or two things
  • Eat everything in sight, including non-food items

Parents often make the mistake of using food as a control issue. In their concern over the child’s health and nutrition, they often try to force the child to eat “the right things.” But this does nothing to fix the child’s food issues, and may make them more severe. Food can serve as a source of comfort. The child needs to begin to identify his parents as a source of food, and ultimately the comfort he gets from food will transfer to the comfort he can get from his parents. Feeding the child by hand, making mealtimes fun with playful foods, and cooking together are all ways to help the child associate his parents with comfort and food.

When we first brought our daughter home from China, she refused to eat anything. Every meal became a battle to try to get her to eat. I worried that she would become malnourished until I discovered that she was sneaking into the kitchen and taking food and hiding it in her room. When I made her a special snack box, filled with healthy foods, and let her keep it in her room, mealtimes improved considerably. She knew she would always have food whenever she wanted it.

There are many ways parents can use food to increase attachment. Be selective with these activities, and use the ones that feel right for you and your child. The activities listed below are intended to be fun. Don’t force participation in something that feels like a chore. Attachment is a process of give and take. Be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and don’t push an activity if they’re not receptive.

Ways to use food to nurture your child:

  • Serve a banana split for dinner
  • Feed your child by hand
  • Buy a fancy plate at a garage sale and serve the child their meals on it.
  • Bake together
  • Buy M&Ms and sort them by color
  • Have a picnic in the living room
  • Have cheeseburgers for breakfast and cereal for dinner
  • Set up a lemonade stand
  • Let them drink from a bottle
  • Make finger Jell-O
  • Go out to dinner together

Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.

The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.

Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year

Does the child:

  • explore surroundings?
  • respond positively to parents?
  • keep themself occupied?
  • show signs of reciprocity?
  • seem relaxed and happy?
  • look at people when communicating?
  • show emotions in a recognizable manner?
  • react to pain and pleasure?
  • engage in age appropriate activities
  • use speech appropriately?
  • respond to parental limit setting?
  • demonstrate normal fears?
  • react positively to physical closeness?
  • show a response to separation?
  • note the parent’s return?
  • exhibit signs of pride and joy?
  • show signs of empathy?
  • show signs of embarrassment, shame or guilt?

Does the parent:

  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for the child’s age?
  • respond to the child’s overtures
  • initiate affection?
  • provide effective comforting?
  • initiate positive interactions with the child?
  • accept expressions of autonomy?
  • see the child as positively “taking after” a family member?
  • seem aware of the child’s cues?
  • enjoy reciprocal interactions with the child?
  • respond to child’s affection?
  • set age appropriate limits?
  • respond supportively when the child shows fear?

Explore options for what Satvika’s parents could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Satvika demands food at difficult times, when they are trying to do other things, and has tantrums if they won’t feed her immediately. She begins hiding food all over the house, not just in her room.

Insight:
Satvika’s food issues are the result of her years in an institution. Insisting that she eat when and what her parents want will result in control issues over food. If she can’t control what she eats at mealtimes, she will attempt to exert control by hoarding food.

Result:
Satvika becomes increasingly happy to join the family at mealtimes, begins to eat more and stops hoarding food.

Insight:
Allowing Satvika to eat when she chooses will allow her to feel that she has control, and will result in fewer control battles at mealtimes.

Result:
Satvika is more willing to eat meals with the family. Her food hoarding decreases as her willingness to eat at mealtimes increases.

Insight:
Allowing Satvika to eat what she chooses will allow him to feel that she has control, and will result in fewer control battles at mealtimes.

Satvika’s parents choose option A and insist that she eats when and what the rest of the family does. Six weeks later…

Scenario 2

Satvika is settling into their home. She is quiet and well behaved, although prone to unexpected tantrums that are difficult to soothe. You are concerned because Gregory seems unable to do anything for herself. She can dress herself, but won’t choose her own clothes. When presented with a collection of toys, she seems overwhelmed and incapable of selecting one.

One of the most important things parents can do for children with difficult histories is to provide structure and routine to their lives. Children who have lived in institutions may be used to following a predictable schedule, and trying to maintain that schedule will help in the transition process. Children who have had disordered and chaotic pasts will also benefit from the predictability of a consistent schedule. Have meals, naps and bedtime at the same time each day. Keep the environment as simple and uncluttered as possible so as not to overwhelm or over stimulate the child.

It is very important to address the child’s emotional age rather than their chronological one. It can be beneficial to treat poorly attached children as if they are younger than they are. If a child finds it difficult to make choices for themself, the parent should make choices for them until they feel less frustrated and more comfortable doing so themself. Or, with an older child, present just two options and make a game of selecting and talking about each choice. If the child begins to seem agitated or frustrated, make the choice for them and move on.

We adopted our daughter Margie when she was three and a half. Although she was developmentally delayed, we knew there were things she could do – dress herself, tidy her room. With our other children, we told them, “No, I’m not going to do it for you, you have to do it yourself.” But that didn’t always work with Margie. If I stopped and said, “No, I’m not going to pull up your pants, you do it, ” she would stand there, her pants around her ankles and wait. She just wouldn’t do it. I learned to be more flexible with Margie, and do more things for her, because she seemed to need it more.

Often children from institutional environments aren’t used to making decisions for themselves. Limit the number of choices they have to deal with to help them learn how.

At Mealtimes
Serve the foods your child likes at each meal. Offer one or two options and have them choose one.

Clothing
Begin by choosing their outfits each day. Over time offer more choices: a red shirt or a blue one.

Playtime
Keep the number of toys to a minimum at the beginning. Offer toys that are appropriate for the child’s emotional age and developmental ability. Show them how to play with the toys and play with them.

Chores
Make chores a part of your child’s life from the beginning. The tasks can be as simple as making the bed or setting the table. Make sure the tasks are within the child’s capabilities. Make the chores pleasurable by doing them together. As the child becomes accustomed to doing the tasks regularly, they will begin to do them independently.

Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.

The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.

Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year

Does the child:

  • explore surroundings?
  • respond positively to parents?
  • keep themself occupied?
  • show signs of reciprocity?
  • seem relaxed and happy?
  • look at people when communicating?
  • show emotions in a recognizable manner?
  • react to pain and pleasure?
  • engage in age appropriate activities
  • use speech appropriately?
  • respond to parental limit setting?
  • demonstrate normal fears?
  • react positively to physical closeness?
  • show a response to separation?
  • note the parent’s return?
  • exhibit signs of pride and joy?
  • show signs of empathy?
  • show signs of embarrassment, shame or guilt?

Does the parent:

  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for the child’s age?
  • respond to the child’s overtures
  • initiate affection?
  • provide effective comforting?
  • initiate positive interactions with the child?
  • accept expressions of autonomy?
  • see the child as positively “taking after” a family member?
  • seem aware of the child’s cues?
  • enjoy reciprocal interactions with the child?
  • respond to child’s affection?
  • set age appropriate limits?
  • respond supportively when the child shows fear?

Explore options for what Satvika’s parents could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Gregory begins to trust the decisions they make for her and has fewer tantrums.

Insight:
Making choices for Satvika provides necessary structure for her and reduces stress.

Result:
Satvika begins to trust decisions made for her and she has fewer tantrums.

Insight:
Narrowing the number of choices that Satvika has to make helps provide structure and reduces stress.

Result:
Satvika throws tantrums and becomes stubborn and defiant whenever she has to make choices.

Insight:
Satvika is not used to making choices for herself and finds it stressful. She expresses her discomfort and confusion with defiance and tantrums.

Satvika’s parents choose option C to help her learn to be self-sufficient. Three months later…

Scenario 3

Satvika seems more sullen and withdrawn than ever. She shows little interest in her parents when they are near, but throws violent tantrums when they are out of sight. When they talk, she doesn’t make eye contact. When they try to hug her, she pushes away. They are frustrated because no one else sees this behavior. With others, Satvika is quiet and docile.

Eye contact is very important for creating attachment. When parents nurture their infants, feed them, hold them, change them, they make eye contact with them. Even children who have experienced early trauma or neglect and who haven’t learned to make eye contact can be taught later on. Children need to be taught that there are rewards to eye contact. Engaging in play that forces the child to make eye contact, and responding to looks from the child with a warm smile, will help them associate eye contact with positive responses.

But remember, eye contact can sometimes feel threatening for a child. Children who have been in sensory-deprived environments may have a low tolerance for stimulation, and too much eye contact may over-stimulate them. They turn away to protect themselves. While engaging children in eye contact is an important part of creating attachment, parents should be sensitive to their child’s cues. If the child is showing signs of distress, continuing to force eye contact may hinder rather than encourage the attachment process.

Bobby would never look at me when I talked to him. It drove me crazy! Of course, whenever he told a lie he’d stare me down, challenging me to refute whatever he said. But we worked on it. We made a game of it. We told Bobby that if he looked us in the eyes we’d send him secret messages. Then we’d blink. He had to guess what we were saying. It got quite complicated because different combinations of blinks came to mean different things. But it worked! Bobby used to make a real effort to look us in the face after that.

There are many ways parents can increase eye contact with their children. Here are some ideas to help you and your child look at each other, and at other things, together. Be selective and use the ones that feel right for you and your child. Remember, these activities are intended to be fun. Don’t force participation in something that feels like a chore. Attachment is a process of give and take. Be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and don’t push an activity if they’re not receptive.

  • Play Peek-A-Boo
  • Give your child a disposable camera and encourage her to take pictures
  • Face painting
  • Count facial features (nose, eyes, freckles)
  • Dress the same.
  • Put a sticker on your face, but don’t comment on it and wait till child does
  • Watch “adoption theme” movies together and talk about what is happening
  • Play a card game where no one can take a turn until eye contact is made
  • Turn off lights and play with flashlights; whenever beam falls on child he has to look at you until you count to five

Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.

The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.

Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year

Does the child:

  • explore surroundings?
  • respond positively to parents?
  • keep themself occupied?
  • show signs of reciprocity?
  • seem relaxed and happy?
  • look at people when communicating?
  • show emotions in a recognizable manner?
  • react to pain and pleasure?
  • engage in age appropriate activities
  • use speech appropriately?
  • respond to parental limit setting?
  • demonstrate normal fears?
  • react positively to physical closeness?
  • show a response to separation?
  • note the parent’s return?
  • exhibit signs of pride and joy?
  • show signs of empathy?
  • show signs of embarrassment, shame or guilt?

Does the parent:

  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for the child’s age?
  • respond to the child’s overtures
  • initiate affection?
  • provide effective comforting?
  • initiate positive interactions with the child?
  • accept expressions of autonomy?
  • see the child as positively “taking after” a family member?
  • seem aware of the child’s cues?
  • enjoy reciprocal interactions with the child?
  • respond to child’s affection?
  • set age appropriate limits?
  • respond supportively when the child shows fear?

Explore options for what  Satvika’s parents could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Satvika seems less angry, makes more eye contact and is more interested in spending time with her parents.

Insight:
Playing one-on-one and concentrating on making eye contact draws Satvika out of herself and makes her focus on the relationship with her parents.

Result:
Satvika continues to throw tantrums whenever she doesn’t get what she wants. She either consciously avoids contact with her parents or insistently demands their attention.

Insight:
Satvika has had too much time to herself and has never learned to show affection. She will not initiate contact without an example from her parents.

Result:
Satvika continues to throw tantrums whenever she doesn’t get what she wants. She either consciously avoids contact with her parents or insistently demands their attention.

Insight:
Satvika has spent most of her life in the company of others, but not with one special individual. She needs to spend more time in their company, not less.

Satvika’s parents choose option B and let her initiate contact on her terms. Six months later…

Scenario 4

Satvika still seems like a visitor in her home. She is docile and cooperative when asked to do something, but shows very little initiative on her own. She will allow her parents to touch or hold her, but never initiates contact. She plays quietly in her room unless specifically encouraged to be near her family.

Attachment is built by repetition and proximity. Children learn that their needs will be met when the caregiver comes regularly and consistently. Children’s needs all require them to be held by the caregiver. Children who have not had this consistent and nurturing care as infants need it to be replicated, to some degree, when they are older. As a child’s behavior begins to change and show positive signs that a secure attachment is forming, parents must continue to focus on consistent activities and behavior that will promote and enhance this growth.

When the child first comes into the home, they should remain physically close to the parents to feel safe and secure. Parents should consistently provide warm, nurturing care combined with play that encourages touching and physical closeness. Over time this attention will be rewarded. The child will begin to use the parents as a secure base from which to explore, form new relationships and make positive choices.

Angelina was a handful, right from the beginning. Always wanted her own way. Tested me all the time. I used to give her a time out and send her to her room. Well, she just got worse. It was so bad we finally went into therapy. That’s when I learned that I needed to keep her close, not send her away. By sending her away I was reinforcing the kind of shame and rejection she’d already experienced. So I learned to keep her with me. I’d have her help me around the house, and then we’d play together. It was great. She learned to stop opposing me, and began to accept what I had to give.

Be selective in your use of activities, and use the ones that feel right for you and your child–they are intended to be fun, not a chore. Attachment is a process of give and take. Be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and don’t push an activity if he’s not receptive. Remember to consider your child’s emotional age, not his chronological one, and vary the activities accordingly.

Promote touching and physical closeness with tactile stimulation. Here are some ideas to help you and your child touch each other in fun, non-threatening ways.

  • Put hand lotion on each other
  • Put matching temporary tattoos on each other
  • Comb, brush or braid the child’s hair
  • Hold and cuddle the child every day
  • Let child stay up 15 minutes past bedtime, but only if he sits in your lap
  • Give butterfly kisses
  • Play hand-holding games like “Ring Around the Rosy” or “London Bridge”
  • Teach child to somersault, inline skate, or bike.
  • Give goodnight hug and kiss before bed
  • Tickle them, but be sure to stop when they says so


Sharing Physical Activities encourages attachment with your child by promoting closeness.

  • Draw a picture together
  • Toss a ball or a beanbag
  • Blow bubbles and chase them around
  • Fly a kite together
  • Rock together in a rocking chair
  • Teach each other dances
  • Catch fireflies and let them go
  • Play jacks
  • Play a clapping game
  • Give them a horsey ride
  • Go bowling
  • Play tag
  • Get a pogo stick and take turns jumping
  • Buy washable markers and draw on each other
  • Plant vegetables in the garden together
  • Buy sidewalk chalk and draw pictures together
  • Play badminton, croquet or horseshoes
  • Build a snowman together
  • Shoot baskets together
  • Go for a walk in the rain together
  • Paint your nails the same color
  • Hold hands and rock together and sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”
  • Play hopscotch

Providing containment makes them feel warm and secure.

  • Set up a card table, put a blanket over it and play underneath
  • Set up a tent in the living room
  • Buy a cardboard or plastic playhouse and set it up in the living room or in the yard
  • Make a playpen using cushions or stair gates
  • Buy a warm, soft blanket to use while reading or watching television
  • Let the child sleep in a sleeping bag
  • Put gloves and scarf in the dryer for a few minutes to make them warm
  • Steam up the bathroom and draw on the mirror together

Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.

The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.

Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year

Does the child:

  • explore surroundings?
  • respond positively to parents?
  • keep themself occupied?
  • show signs of reciprocity?
  • seem relaxed and happy?
  • look at people when communicating?
  • show emotions in a recognizable manner?
  • react to pain and pleasure?
  • engage in age appropriate activities
  • use speech appropriately?
  • respond to parental limit setting?
  • demonstrate normal fears?
  • react positively to physical closeness?
  • show a response to separation?
  • note the parent’s return?
  • exhibit signs of pride and joy?
  • show signs of empathy?
  • show signs of embarrassment, shame or guilt?

Does the parent:

  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for the child’s age?
  • respond to the child’s overtures
  • initiate affection?
  • provide effective comforting?
  • initiate positive interactions with the child?
  • accept expressions of autonomy?
  • see the child as positively “taking after” a family member?
  • seem aware of the child’s cues?
  • enjoy reciprocal interactions with the child?
  • respond to child’s affection?
  • set age appropriate limits?
  • respond supportively when the child shows fear?

Explore options for what Satvika’s parents could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Satvika’s moods and behavior change from day to day. Some days she doesn’t want to let her parents out of her sight, and other times she treats them like a stranger.

Insight:
Satvika’s quiet reserve is a continuation of her institutional behavior, not a sign of adjustment to your home. She needs to be drawn into activities with the family, not left alone in her room.

Result:
Satvika begins to show more spontaneous affection. She seems to enjoy her parent’s company, and prefers it to the privacy of her room.

Insight:
Spending time with Satvika and enjoying activities together are the most important things her parents can do to help develop secure attachment.

Result:
Satvika’s moods and behavior change from day to day. Some days she doesn’t want to let her parents out of her sight, and other times she treats them like strangers.

Insight:
Satvika’s quiet reserve is a continuation of her institutional behavior, not a sign of adjustment to her home. She needs to be drawn into activities with the family, not left alone in her room.

Satvika’s parents choose option C and believe she is just a quiet, reserved child. One year later…

Scenario 5

Satvika is still a stranger to her parents. She seems to live in her own world, remote from theirs. She won’t let them get close, but cries and clings if they move too far away. They are beginning to doubt their parenting skills, and fear they may never learn to love this child.

Parenting a child with attachment issues is a challenge, and it’s easy for parents to become so wrapped up in dealing with their child’s needs that they neglect their own. But no parent can help a child if they need help themselves. Some warning signs for parents to watch for are:

  • Parent does not like the child, even if they love them
  • Hitting, pushing or screaming at the child
  • Feeling traumatized by experiencing the child’s trauma
  • Symptoms of depression
  • Feeling that one is in a constant contest with other family members or feeling under attack by other family members

Solutions vary depending on the degree of the problem, but some ideas to consider are:

  • Respite – Everybody needs a break now and then. Find someone, a relative, friend or paid babysitter, to help out so you can regularly have a bit of time to yourself. If you have a spouse or partner, consider trading off on childcare duties. One parent should not be the sole caregiver.
  • Individual / Family Therapy – Therapists can help you identify goals for yourself and your family, and develop strategies for achieving those goals. Many experts agree that a parent with unresolved emotional or psychological issues will have an extremely difficult time parenting a child with attachment problems.
  • Couples Counseling – Couples often find that the stress of dealing with a difficult child leads to problems in their relationship. A healthy relationship between parents will make addressing the child’s issues easier, and will contribute to building a strong family.
  • Self-Help and Support Groups – Support groups provide a welcome reminder that you are not alone. Others have taken this journey before you and can provide valuable suggestions.
  • Comprehensive Physical and Psychological Evaluation of the Child – It may be that your child has physical, psychological or emotional issues that are impeding their ability to form a secure attachment. You won’t be able to meet your child’s needs if you don’t know what they are.

When we adopted our son, Danny, I had no idea what we were getting into. I had already quit my job before we went to Romania to bring him home, and I planned to stay at home with him. He was four when we brought him home. Every day was a battle. So many tantrums! Who knew such a little boy could be so angry! But he was so great with my husband, who never saw the tantrums. He thought I was the one who had problems. Finally, because I couldn’t stand my own anger and frustration any more, I began seeing a therapist. It made a lot of difference. I’m calmer now, which means I can help Danny more. The therapist helped me see my reactions to Danny more objectively, and offered suggestions on how changing my responses would, in turn, help to change his behavior.

A few suggestions to help parents maintain their inner strength:

  • Remind yourself often that you are not the source of your child’s problems
  • Acknowledge your own feelings of grief and frustration
  • Maintain a sense of humor
  • Maintain a central supportive relationship with another adult
  • Participate in, or form, a support network with other parents dealing with attachment issues
  • Maintain trust and openness with an assisting professional
  • If your child has other caregivers, make sure their actions are consistent with yours
  • Be patient and maintain realistic day-to-day goals
  • Remember that if your child is able to form an attachment with you, you have participated in a psychological rebirth

Primary Tasks & Milestones
The primary developmental task in a child’s first year of life is to learn that the world is a predictable and reliable place. This is achieved by attachment with a primary caregiver who provides loving nurture, and meets the baby’s needs consistently. A caregiver who provides attention and affection, takes pleasure in interacting with the child, and who responds to his cries, encourages the process of attachment at this stage.

The physical goals for a child in the first year are to gain muscle control over their bodies: smiling, grasping, walking and vocalizing. These tasks are subject to delays if the primary task, attachment, is impeded in some way. Children who do not receive consistent nurture in the first months of life may find themselves several months behind on normal developmental milestones such as sitting up, standing, walking, and even making eye contact.

Observation Checklist: What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Birth to One Year

Does the child:

  • explore surroundings?
  • respond positively to parents?
  • keep themself occupied?
  • show signs of reciprocity?
  • seem relaxed and happy?
  • look at people when communicating?
  • show emotions in a recognizable manner?
  • react to pain and pleasure?
  • engage in age appropriate activities
  • use speech appropriately?
  • respond to parental limit setting?
  • demonstrate normal fears?
  • react positively to physical closeness?
  • show a response to separation?
  • note the parent’s return?
  • exhibit signs of pride and joy?
  • show signs of empathy?
  • show signs of embarrassment, shame or guilt?

Does the parent:

  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for the child’s age?
  • respond to the child’s overtures
  • initiate affection?
  • provide effective comforting?
  • initiate positive interactions with the child?
  • accept expressions of autonomy?
  • see the child as positively “taking after” a family member?
  • seem aware of the child’s cues?
  • enjoy reciprocal interactions with the child?
  • respond to child’s affection?
  • set age appropriate limits?
  • respond supportively when the child shows fear?

Explore options for what Satvika’s parents could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Satvika continues to act as if she were in an institution, remaining docile and following the routines of the household. They are convinced that they are not the right parents for her, and begin to wonder what options they have.

Insight:
Continuing on the same path is not likely to improve their relationship with Satvika. It is time to consider different parenting strategies that may be more successful in fostering attachment. Many parents seek professional help in doing so, and find working with a therapist to be very beneficial.

Result:
They realize the problems they are having with Satvika are not unique. They feel empowered and know that they can make a difference to Satvika if they change some of their parenting behaviors. They discuss consulting a therapist to help.

Insight:
Support groups can be very beneficial for parents coping with children with attachment issues. A support group will allow them to express your feelings in a secure environment, and can provide suggestions from others who have “been there” for how to deal with their child.

Result:
They feel reenergized and more able to care for Satvika. They begin to discuss changes to help her become more responsive. They also discuss consulting a therapist to help them develop sound strategies.

Insight:
Often a break from the day-to-day care of a child can give a parent new perspectives and more energy. However, this alone cannot change a relationship with a child. They should consider joining a support group or seeking the help of a therapist.

Satvika’s parents choose option B and finally seek help in fostering attachment.