Scenario 1

Alex is so delighted to have Mike as their son. He’s everything they had hoped for. At the end of his first day of school, he comes home and tells them how much he liked it. He goes to play on his own until dinner. He asks if he can go to bed late to watch the end of the basketball game on TV.

It is not unusual with adopted children, when they first come into the home, for there to be a “honeymoon period” during which they are on their best behavior. Children may spend the first few weeks getting “the lay of the land,” finding out exactly what their new parents expect of them. Parents may be startled after a few weeks when the child who seemed to just naturally fit into their family suddenly seems like a different person. This is actually a good sign, it means that the child has stopped trying to prove his worth to his new parents, and is beginning to trust them. The key to a successful transition period is for the parents themselves to remain consistent. Newly adopted children should not be treated like weekend guests, but like members of the family who have rules to follow and responsibilities to fulfill.

When we first adopted our twins, Antonio and Eduardo, when they were five, I couldn’t believe our good fortune. They were perfect! Kind, obedient, courteous. They followed directions. And, of course, we were the perfect parents. We were patient and tolerant. We played games and took them places. We bought them clothes and toys, and all their favorite foods. Every day was a holiday! Then one day it all came to an end. They were defiant, they threw tantrums, they told lies. Everything was turned upside down. We had no idea what had happened. It wasn’t until much later that we realized that we’d started off all wrong. We treated the kids like they were some new novelty and not like our children. We should have been much stricter, more normal, from day one. The kids might not have liked it so much, but it would have made the transition easier in the long run.

Older children who have moved from home to home often are confused about how “normal” families function. Even if they have been in a well-functioning family, they do not know the rules and expectations in YOUR particular family. Keys to a smooth entry into your family during the early days involve being clear and consistent in expectations. It is okay to have an air of celebration, while also sending the message that the child is a member of the family and not just a weekend guest.

Many of the tools that are helpful with younger children need to be adapted for use with older children. For example, limiting the number of caregivers that your child will have during the day is not really possible since they are relating to many people at school. These suggestions may be more appropriate for older children:

  • Establish predictable school day routines surrounding mealtimes, homework, TV and playtime,
  • Clarify rules about snacks and snack time, cell phone use, permission to play with friends, etc.
  • Establish weekend routines such as Saturday chores, time with friends and family, regular religious services and later bedtimes.
  • Help your child establish contact with a peer group that you feel is appropriate. Provide opportunities for structured peer activities at the local YMCA, park district and at school. More structure is better during these early days.
  • Demonstrate your support for your child’s attachment to their birth family by asking if they want to put their pictures in her room, and by making contact with the family where their siblings are placed.

School Age: 6-12

Primary Tasks & Milestones
Starting school is the first big transition that most children make. It is the first time that they truly have a life of their own, outside the family unit. At this stage children’s development focuses outward, rather than inward, as they begin to master social interactions with their peers. Physically, they continue to develop their gross motor skills, as they become bigger and stronger. Emotionally, they are concerned with fairness, and how it affects them, and may become upset by perceptions of unfairness. They also become more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to internalize concepts of right and wrong.

This can be a challenging stage for parents, because they need to help children learn to express their emotions in positive ways. Because is it a time of conscience development in children, parents need to provide clear messages about family values. Children are developing their own preferences, in food, clothing and hygiene, and it is up to the parents to provide guidance about what is and isn’t acceptable within the family.

What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Grade School Years

Does the child:

  • behave as though they like themself?
  • show pride in accomplishments?
  • share with others?
  • accept adult imposed limits?
  • verbalize likes and dislikes?
  • try new tasks?
  • acknowledge mistakes?
  • express a wide range of emotions?
  • establish eye contact?
  • exhibit confidence in abilities?
  • appear to be developing a conscience?
  • move in a relaxed manner?
  • smile easily?
  • look comfortable when speaking with adults?
  • react positively to parent being physically close?
  • have positive interactions with siblings and/or peers?

Does the parent:

  • show interest in child’s school performance?
  • accept expression of negative feelings?
  • respond to child’s overtures?
  • provide opportunities for child to be with peers?
  • handle problems between siblings with fairness?
  • initiate affectionate overtures?
  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for child’s age?
  • assign the child age appropriate responsibilities?
  • seem to enjoy this child?
  • know the child’s likes and dislikes?
  • give clear messages about behaviors that are approved or disapproved
  • comment on positive behaviors as well as negative?

Explore options for what Mike’s parent could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Mike continues to charm his parent. They are sure they’re doing just the right thing in making him feel part of the family.

Insight:
Mike is new to his home and needs to learn what the rules are. It’s too soon in their relationship to let him have things his own way. He needs to do things the family’s way.

Result:
Mike’s moods seem variable. If they let him have his own way, he is happy and cooperative, but if they insist on imposing rules, he becomes sullen and hostile.

Insight:
Mike is new to his home and needs to learn what the rules are. It’s too soon in their relationship to let him have things his own way. Later, after they have established the rules, they can bend them.

Result:
Mike cheerfully cooperates on completing tasks, as long as he feels certain of a reward afterward. As time goes on, however, he takes on each task less cooperatively.

Insight:
Mike is new to his home and needs to learn what the rules are. It’s too soon in their relationship to let him have things his own way. Later, after they have established the rules, they can bend them.

Mike’s parent chooses option B and decided to keep the bedtime but record the game. Three weeks later…

Scenario 2

Days with Mike continue to go along fairly smoothly. He is sometimes resentful when Alex imposes rules or ask him to do chores, but he continues to be charming and cooperative most of the time. Alex’s complacency is shattered when they can’t find their watch and discover it in Mike’s room. They realize that Mike has been taking things from around the house and hiding them in his room. When they ask him about it, he lies and says he doesn’t know how the things got there.

Lying and stealing are often signs that children don’t know how to ask for things, or express their negative feelings. Parents need to respond without anger or harsh consequences. The behavior is likely to decrease when the child feels more trust that their needs will be met, and that they will not be hurt if they do something wrong. Keeping a child close will not only lessen the opportunities to lie and steal, but will help them to rely on you for guidance, support and moment to moment experiences. Parents should also encourage their children to talk about their thoughts and feelings.

With my daughter, when she broke something or tried to hurt me, I made her do restitution. She had to do something for me – fold the laundry, empty the dishwasher, make me a sandwich. It helped her to understand that actions have consequences, but it also made her realize that other people have needs too. It was pretty successful.

Lying and stealing are difficult behaviors to respond to, because they are often habits that the child is not even aware of.

Avoidance
Don’t put the child in a situation where they are likely to lie. If you know they did something wrong, why ask if they did it?

Disbelief
With a child who habitually lies, let the child know that you don’t believe just anything they tell you.

Unpredictability
Respond in unexpected ways so the child has to change their “script” to respond.

Encourage Truth Telling
Make two boxes, one for lies, one for truths. Every time the child says something, ask them which box it should go in.

School Age: 6-12

Primary Tasks & Milestones
Starting school is the first big transition that most children make. It is the first time that they truly have a life of their own, outside the family unit. At this stage children’s development focuses outward, rather than inward, as they begin to master social interactions with their peers. Physically, they continue to develop their gross motor skills, as they become bigger and stronger. Emotionally, they are concerned with fairness, and how it affects them, and may become upset by perceptions of unfairness. They also become more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to internalize concepts of right and wrong.

This can be a challenging stage for parents, because they need to help children learn to express their emotions in positive ways. Because is it a time of conscience development in children, parents need to provide clear messages about family values. Children are developing their own preferences, in food, clothing and hygiene, and it is up to the parents to provide guidance about what is and isn’t acceptable within the family.

What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Grade School Years

Does the child:

  • behave as though they like themself?
  • show pride in accomplishments?
  • share with others?
  • accept adult imposed limits?
  • verbalize likes and dislikes?
  • try new tasks?
  • acknowledge mistakes?
  • express a wide range of emotions?
  • establish eye contact?
  • exhibit confidence in abilities?
  • appear to be developing a conscience?
  • move in a relaxed manner?
  • smile easily?
  • look comfortable when speaking with adults?
  • react positively to parent being physically close?
  • have positive interactions with siblings and/or peers?

Does the parent:

  • show interest in child’s school performance?
  • accept expression of negative feelings?
  • respond to child’s overtures?
  • provide opportunities for child to be with peers?
  • handle problems between siblings with fairness?
  • initiate affectionate overtures?
  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for child’s age?
  • assign the child age appropriate responsibilities?
  • seem to enjoy this child?
  • know the child’s likes and dislikes?
  • give clear messages about behaviors that are approved or disapproved
  • comment on positive behaviors as well as negative?

Explore options for what Mike’s parent could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Mike continues to insist that he knows nothing about the stolen items. He becomes more withdrawn and secretive.

Insight:
They should not get involved in an interrogation of Mike. Forcing him to admit that he stole things makes him feel angry and ashamed. He is likely to look for new outlets to express his negative feelings. Instead, they should help him find appropriate ways to express his feelings and praise small successes.

Result:
Fewer things around the house disappear, but Mike later loses the new watch

Insight:
Mike is trying to express himself by both stealing the items and by losing the watch. They should help him find appropriate ways to express his feelings, notice and praise small successes, and look for positive changes.

Result:
Fewer things disappear around the house. Mike seems a bit more open to express himself.

Insight:
They should not get involved in an interrogation of Mike. They should help him find appropriate ways to express his feelings, notice and praise small successes, and look for positive changes.

Mike’s parent chooses option C and did not punish him. Six weeks later…

Scenario 3

Mike seems to be settling in with his family quite well. When Alex asks him to help with chores, he cooperates without major disputes. However, Alex is concerned because he has begun wetting the bed. He didn’t tell them about it. They discovered it in the morning when they went to see if he’d made his bed before going to school. He had removed the bottom sheet and wadded in a corner, then made the bed over it.

Many children who have come from disordered and chaotic environments have trouble with bedwetting. Some children have not learned to recognize their body’s signals, and fail to go to the bathroom in time. Or children may use wetting and soiling as a control tactic, as a means of expressing anger, defiance and frustration. Parents need to devise strategies for dealing with the problem, without putting too much emphasis on it. The child needs to be responsible for cleaning up their own messes, which makes them responsible for their actions. Serious wetting or soiling problems may require the use of alarms to wake the child at night to remind them to go, wearing pull-ups or even medication. Parents should consult the child’s pediatrician to determine if the problem is physical or psychological.

It took some time and some training, but we did teach our nine-year old how to keep dry at night. When he first came home with us, Paul would never tell us when he was wet, he’d just lay in bed awake and drenched. We told him he had to tell someone. At first we tried Pull Ups, but that made things worse, and he began to wet during the day too. We then tried behavior modification – explaining about bladders and how they work, how they need emptying regularly, how to recognize when he’s full. The best solution was the timer. We just set it so he had to wake up in the middle of the night and go.

If a child over age six is experiencing encopresis (fecal soiling) or enuresis (daytime incontinence and bedwetting) the parent should consult with the child’s pediatrician to determine if the problem is physical or psychological.

Although parents may not be able to prevent a child from wetting the bed, there are steps they can take to help the child keep the bed dry at night, including:

  • Encouraging and praising the child for staying dry, and not punishing when the child wets.
  • Reminding the child to urinate before going to bed.
  • Limiting liquid intake at least two hours before bedtime.

Traditional treatments for bed-wetting include behavior modification, drug therapy, psychotherapy and diet therapy. Additional treatments include massage, hypnosis and homeopathic remedies. It is best to consult with your pediatrician to find the best treatment for your child.

Behavior Modification
Child takes responsibility for his own bladder control by learning new behaviors. For example, always use the bathroom before bedtime and avoid drinking fluids after dinner.

Alarms
A sensor placed in the child’s pajamas or in a bed pad triggers an alarm that wakes the child at the first sign of wetness. If the child is awakened, he or she can then go to the bathroom and finish urinating. The intention is to condition a response to awaken when the bladder is full. This is a popular and effective form of treatment.

Drug Therapy
Some drugs commonly used are a nasal spray of desmopressin acetate (DDAVP), a substance similar to the hormone that helps regulate urine production; and imipramine hydrochloride, a drug that helps to increase bladder capacity. These medications are usually effective, however, children often wet the bed again after the drug is discontinued, and there are some side effects.

Psychotherapy
Children with attachment issues are often already in therapy. If bedwetting is a problem, the therapist should be informed to determine if a psychological factor can be determined.

Diet
In rare cases, allergies or intolerances to certain foods, such as dairy products, citrus products or chocolate – can cause bed-wetting. Bedwetting may be stopped if the food is identified and eliminated from their diet.

Massage
Acupressure or massage, when done by a trained therapist, may be helpful when bedwetting is caused by a neurologic problem.

Herbal and Homeopathic Remedies
Some herbal remedies, such as horsetail (Equisetum arvense) have been used to treat bedwetting. Common homeopathic remedies include Causticum, Lycopodium and Pulsatilla.

Hypnosis
Hypnosis is another approach that has been used successfully. It trains the child to awaken and go to the bathroom when their bladder feels full.

School Age: 6-12

Primary Tasks & Milestones
Starting school is the first big transition that most children make. It is the first time that they truly have a life of their own, outside the family unit. At this stage children’s development focuses outward, rather than inward, as they begin to master social interactions with their peers. Physically, they continue to develop their gross motor skills, as they become bigger and stronger. Emotionally, they are concerned with fairness, and how it affects them, and may become upset by perceptions of unfairness. They also become more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to internalize concepts of right and wrong.

This can be a challenging stage for parents, because they need to help children learn to express their emotions in positive ways. Because is it a time of conscience development in children, parents need to provide clear messages about family values. Children are developing their own preferences, in food, clothing and hygiene, and it is up to the parents to provide guidance about what is and isn’t acceptable within the family.

What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Grade School Years

Does the child:

  • behave as though they like themself?
  • show pride in accomplishments?
  • share with others?
  • accept adult imposed limits?
  • verbalize likes and dislikes?
  • try new tasks?
  • acknowledge mistakes?
  • express a wide range of emotions?
  • establish eye contact?
  • exhibit confidence in abilities?
  • appear to be developing a conscience?
  • move in a relaxed manner?
  • smile easily?
  • look comfortable when speaking with adults?
  • react positively to parent being physically close?
  • have positive interactions with siblings and/or peers?

Does the parent:

  • show interest in child’s school performance?
  • accept expression of negative feelings?
  • respond to child’s overtures?
  • provide opportunities for child to be with peers?
  • handle problems between siblings with fairness?
  • initiate affectionate overtures?
  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for child’s age?
  • assign the child age appropriate responsibilities?
  • seem to enjoy this child?
  • know the child’s likes and dislikes?
  • give clear messages about behaviors that are approved or disapproved
  • comment on positive behaviors as well as negative?

Explore options for what Mike’s parent could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Mike’s nightly incontinence continues. They become accustomed to checking his bedroom each morning and putting his bedding in the washing machine. He seems oblivious to the problem.

Insight:
Mike needs to communicate about whatever is troubling him, and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. They need to remind him that they are there to help him with these things.

Result:
Mike’s accidents are sporadic and seem to be triggered by stress.

Insight:
Mike needs to communicate about whatever is troubling him, and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. They need to remind him that they are there to help him with these things.

Result:
Mike’s incontinence continues, but he becomes more secretive about it. They must search his bedroom for damp, soggy piles of bedding or clothing.

Insight:
Mike needs to communicate about whatever is troubling him, and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. They need to remind him that they are there to help him with these things.

Mike’s parent chooses option C and helps him make the bed. Four months later…

Scenario 4

Mike seems to be settling down well. He does his chores with little complaint, and seems to like spending time with his parent. Each day he tells them something positive about school and he seems to do his schoolwork each day with little complaint. Alex is surprised, therefore, to receive a phone call from Mike’s teacher saying that Mike hasn’t been turning in his homework.

Often older children come into their new families with a history of problems with school. They may have learning disabilities, or they may simply have fallen behind because of frequent dislocations. The best thing a parent can do for a child having trouble in school is to establish a good relationship with their teacher. Before the child starts school, parents should meet with the teacher, and the principal if necessary, to discuss the child’s issues. Parents and teachers should determine together what strategies will work best for the child. Follow-up meetings should be scheduled to determine which strategies are working, and which are not. Sometimes teachers need reminding that parents need to hear positive as well as negative news about their child.

My son Andrew’s teacher was a godsend. She understood immediately the kind of issues we were dealing with. She understood that Andrew’s problem was not ADHD, although it could appear that way. We explained about attachment, and Andrew’s attention-seeking behavior, and she knew just how to deal with it. Instead of always trying to keep him quiet, she found ways to put him on stage. She began having show and tell sessions in the middle of each morning, just because she knew Andrew couldn’t stay in his seat the whole time. It never would have happened if we hadn’t talked to her about him.

Homework is a problem for most children at some time in their school career. Some suggestions to follow if your child is struggling:

  • Go to school weekly and collect the child’s assignments.
  • Keep up with assignments so you can ask relevant questions.
  • Ask your child to teach you what they learned in class that day.
  • Sit down and work together. Balance your checkbook or write a letter while your child does homework.
  • Listen to biography or math-fact tapes in the car together.
  • Read aloud to your child from textbooks.
  • Form a homework club with another family.
  • Tutor a subject you’re comfortable with and find other families to tutor other subjects
  • Let your child listen to music while studying, if it is not too distracting
  • Make a special homework spot where books and on-going projects can be kept

School Age: 6-12

Primary Tasks & Milestones
Starting school is the first big transition that most children make. It is the first time that they truly have a life of their own, outside the family unit. At this stage children’s development focuses outward, rather than inward, as they begin to master social interactions with their peers. Physically, they continue to develop their gross motor skills, as they become bigger and stronger. Emotionally, they are concerned with fairness, and how it affects them, and may become upset by perceptions of unfairness. They also become more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to internalize concepts of right and wrong.

This can be a challenging stage for parents, because they need to help children learn to express their emotions in positive ways. Because is it a time of conscience development in children, parents need to provide clear messages about family values. Children are developing their own preferences, in food, clothing and hygiene, and it is up to the parents to provide guidance about what is and isn’t acceptable within the family.

What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Grade School Years

Does the child:

  • behave as though they like themself?
  • show pride in accomplishments?
  • share with others?
  • accept adult imposed limits?
  • verbalize likes and dislikes?
  • try new tasks?
  • acknowledge mistakes?
  • express a wide range of emotions?
  • establish eye contact?
  • exhibit confidence in abilities?
  • appear to be developing a conscience?
  • move in a relaxed manner?
  • smile easily?
  • look comfortable when speaking with adults?
  • react positively to parent being physically close?
  • have positive interactions with siblings and/or peers?

Does the parent:

  • show interest in child’s school performance?
  • accept expression of negative feelings?
  • respond to child’s overtures?
  • provide opportunities for child to be with peers?
  • handle problems between siblings with fairness?
  • initiate affectionate overtures?
  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for child’s age?
  • assign the child age appropriate responsibilities?
  • seem to enjoy this child?
  • know the child’s likes and dislikes?
  • give clear messages about behaviors that are approved or disapproved
  • comment on positive behaviors as well as negative?

Explore options for what Mike’s parent could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Mike becomes more open about his schoolwork and willing to discuss it.

Insight:
They need to partner with Mike’s school so they can work together to help him.

Result:
After rewarding Mike for turning in his homework one week, Mike’s teacher reports that he is turning in incomplete assignments.

Insight:
Rewards seldom work with manipulative children.

Result:
Mike seems happier about school and even eager to do his homework each day.

Insight:
Mike needs to know that his parent values schoolwork.

Mike’s parent chooses option C and sits with him while he does his work. Six months later…

Scenario 4

Mike seems to be settling down well. He does his chores with little complaint, and seems to like spending time with his parent. Each day he tells them something positive about school and he seems to do his schoolwork each day with little complaint. Alex is surprised, therefore, to receive a phone call from Mike’s teacher saying that Mike hasn’t been turning in his homework.

Often older children come into their new families with a history of problems with school. They may have learning disabilities, or they may simply have fallen behind because of frequent dislocations. The best thing a parent can do for a child having trouble in school is to establish a good relationship with their teacher. Before the child starts school, parents should meet with the teacher, and the principal if necessary, to discuss the child’s issues. Parents and teachers should determine together what strategies will work best for the child. Follow-up meetings should be scheduled to determine which strategies are working, and which are not. Sometimes teachers need reminding that parents need to hear positive as well as negative news about their child.

My son Andrew’s teacher was a godsend. She understood immediately the kind of issues we were dealing with. She understood that Andrew’s problem was not ADHD, although it could appear that way. We explained about attachment, and Andrew’s attention-seeking behavior, and she knew just how to deal with it. Instead of always trying to keep him quiet, she found ways to put him on stage. She began having show and tell sessions in the middle of each morning, just because she knew Andrew couldn’t stay in his seat the whole time. It never would have happened if we hadn’t talked to her about him.

Homework is a problem for most children at some time in their school career. Some suggestions to follow if your child is struggling:

  • Go to school weekly and collect the child’s assignments.
  • Keep up with assignments so you can ask relevant questions.
  • Ask your child to teach you what they learned in class that day.
  • Sit down and work together. Balance your checkbook or write a letter while your child does homework.
  • Listen to biography or math-fact tapes in the car together.
  • Read aloud to your child from textbooks.
  • Form a homework club with another family.
  • Tutor a subject you’re comfortable with and find other families to tutor other subjects
  • Let your child listen to music while studying, if it is not too distracting
  • Make a special homework spot where books and on-going projects can be kept

School Age: 6-12

Primary Tasks & Milestones
Starting school is the first big transition that most children make. It is the first time that they truly have a life of their own, outside the family unit. At this stage children’s development focuses outward, rather than inward, as they begin to master social interactions with their peers. Physically, they continue to develop their gross motor skills, as they become bigger and stronger. Emotionally, they are concerned with fairness, and how it affects them, and may become upset by perceptions of unfairness. They also become more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to internalize concepts of right and wrong.

This can be a challenging stage for parents, because they need to help children learn to express their emotions in positive ways. Because is it a time of conscience development in children, parents need to provide clear messages about family values. Children are developing their own preferences, in food, clothing and hygiene, and it is up to the parents to provide guidance about what is and isn’t acceptable within the family.

What to Look for in Assessing Attachment and Bonding: Grade School Years

Does the child:

  • behave as though they like themself?
  • show pride in accomplishments?
  • share with others?
  • accept adult imposed limits?
  • verbalize likes and dislikes?
  • try new tasks?
  • acknowledge mistakes?
  • express a wide range of emotions?
  • establish eye contact?
  • exhibit confidence in abilities?
  • appear to be developing a conscience?
  • move in a relaxed manner?
  • smile easily?
  • look comfortable when speaking with adults?
  • react positively to parent being physically close?
  • have positive interactions with siblings and/or peers?

Does the parent:

  • show interest in child’s school performance?
  • accept expression of negative feelings?
  • respond to child’s overtures?
  • provide opportunities for child to be with peers?
  • handle problems between siblings with fairness?
  • initiate affectionate overtures?
  • use disciplinary measures appropriate for child’s age?
  • assign the child age appropriate responsibilities?
  • seem to enjoy this child?
  • know the child’s likes and dislikes?
  • give clear messages about behaviors that are approved or disapproved
  • comment on positive behaviors as well as negative?

Explore options for what Mike’s parent could do in this scenario and the effect it will have on attachment.

Result:
Mike becomes more open about his schoolwork and willing to discuss it.

Insight:
They need to partner with Mike’s school so they can work together to help him.

Result:
After rewarding Mike for turning in his homework one week, Mike’s teacher reports that he is turning in incomplete assignments.

Insight:
Rewards seldom work with manipulative children.

Result:
Mike seems happier about school and even eager to do his homework each day.

Insight:
Mike needs to know that his parent values schoolwork.

Mike’s parent chooses option C and sits with him while he does his work. Six months later…