Don’t Be Afraid Of Sharing
The Simmons family adopted two special needs children, Andy, now 11, and Ben, now 16, as infants.
You should share adoption information with children as soon as you can. They should know who they are, and what their parents know about them. I think the biggest fear people have is that if they share what they know they’re going to lose the child because the child will want to know more and more about their birthparents, and maybe even love them better.
But that’s simply not true. They’ll always love you because you are their parent. A child isn’t “yours” anyway-he’s only with you to help him grow and become an adult, and that’s what you give.
My feeling is, the more people in their lives who love them, the better. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to let their children love as many people as they can, or be afraid to tell them everything they know. If you have something to share with them, do it. It’s very important for them and maybe for you, too.
No Information About Birthfather
The Crain family has a thirteen-year-old daughter, Angela, who was adopted as a newborn.
Until recently Angela hasn’t asked many questions about her birthfather. In her case, the birthfather is unnamed; the birthmother didn’t tell the birthfather that she was pregnant. About a year ago, when she was twelve, Angela and her father were sitting together, and she said, “Daddy, I’ll probably get to meet my birthmother someday, but you’ll be the only dad I’ll ever know because I’ll probably never meet my birthfather.” He said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” It was obviously something she’d been thinking about, but there really wasn’t anything else to say at this point. Maybe someday, if she feels strongly about it, we’ll help her search for her birthfather, but for now she knows we don’t have information to share and she accepts it because we’ve always been honest about it.
The Desire For a Biological Connection
Judy Stigger is a social worker, a counselor for The Cradle, and a frequent speaker on adoption issues. Judy and her husband are the adoptive parents of two now-grown children.
My six-year-old daughter walked into the room where I was reading and announced that I had “born” her. We had recently discussed adoption in the context of a bedtime story. She had chosen the book, knowing full well the theme of the story. So, I knew she was trying to figure out what being “adopted” meant.
I responded by reviewing briefly what “adopted” means and waited for the next question. “Mom, you born me!” she insisted, accompanied by stomping her foot. While I wondered which part of the story I was not being clear about, she stamped her foot again and said “Mom, you born me!” Tears started inching down her cheeks. Her tears startled me into the recognition that we weren’t talking about the facts; we were talking about her feelings. I said, “I wish I could have. I would have loved to have you grow inside me. Feeling you kick would have been so much fun.” “Oh, okay,” she responded casually, and off she went to play.
She needed reassurance that I wished I were biologically connected to her as strongly as she wished she were connected by birth to us. But being a young child, she needed assistance to articulate that desire. And being a young child, once her issue was addressed she happily traipsed off to play with friends.
In contrast, I was stunned: first that I had been astute enough (or lucky enough) to respond to the real issue, and second, by the realization that she would feel about adoption the same way I had felt about infertility–a feeling of yearning to be connected by a birth.
Talking About A Difficult History
Laura is an adoption professional who works in her state’s child welfare department. She is the mother of two adult biological daughters, and Sally, now 8, who was adopted from the foster care system at age 4.
I realized I needed to tell my daughter the whole story of her birthparents before adolescence. I hadn’t even decided exactly what I was going to tell her, just that I needed to begin doing this because we were reaching that time when it could become more difficult and harder for her to handle.
It has literally been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She and I would both sit and sob, on the couch, just rocking, with her all curled up in my lap. She’s grown up in a very middle class environment. She doesn’t know people that have been to jail; she doesn’t know people that cash checks that aren’t theirs; she doesn’t know people who steal things; she doesn’t know people who fight with the police or beat up people or do drugs; its not in her life experience. So she said, “Have my birthparents ever been to jail?” And I said, “Yes.” And she said, “Well, how often?” “I don’t know how often. More than once.”
That’s how the conversations went; it was pretty traumatic for both of us. But knowing the whole story allowed her to explore the issues with me, and to express her feelings and begin working through them.
Talking From The Beginning
The Lerner family has two children, Miriam, 22, and Jacob, 18, both adopted as infants.
It was important to me to always let our children know that they were adopted, that that was how they came into our family. When they were infants I often said, as a way of bringing adoption language into our home, “Oh, I’m so glad we adopted you. How did we get so lucky to be chosen as Mommy and Daddy for you?” It was something that I said at diaper changing time when they were infants–it was just my parenting chatter. As they grew older, we talked about adoption in terms of the birthmoms. “You grew inside this other lady. This other lady is your birthmom. She loved you, but couldn’t parent you and she went to the adoption agency to find us for you.” I used that simple format a lot when they were little, and I supplemented it with some of the adoption storybooks.
Where Babies Come From
The Crain family has a thirteen-year-old daughter, Angela, who was adopted as a newborn.
When Angela was about five, a friend of mine was having her fourth baby, and Angela began asking questions about having babies. When an adopted child asks you how babies are made you can’t say, “Daddy and I fell in love and we had a baby.” We had a very good basic storybook that used technical words like ovum and sperm rather than “tummies and seeds,” but at a child’s level. I found that very helpful because it is so important to be straightforward with these kids. You just can’t tell them stories that you’ll have to revise later-it might make them doubt everything else you’ve told them, too.
Perception Of My Family
Melanie Pilafas is 28 years old, and her ethnic background is Mexican/Hispanic. She was 9 days old when she was adopted. She works with her husband in the mortgage industry.
I’ve got quirky stories, but I’m not suffering due to any of the circumstances of my life. I am married to a wonderful husband who sees nothing but my family instead of all these different racial backgrounds. All my siblings are extremely close, I would hope like any other family, and I consider my parents my best friends. There is something that brought us all together, which makes me feel pretty special. We just have an extremely special family, and I’ve had many people tell me so. In the two years since my wedding, people still come up to me and say, “I knew you were from an adoptive family, but I did not know how beautiful your family was.” That sends me overboard, because I think the world of them. I can’t imagine my life any differently. I can’t imagine my life being any better because of any new information. I am who I am, and we are who we are.
Why Parents Should Share What They Know
The Crain family has a thirteen-year-old daughter, Angela, who was adopted as a newborn.
Our daughter is thirteen now. She was 16 days old when we brought her home from the agency. Even though they were still doing closed adoptions back then, we were given letters from the birth grandmother, and a little information on the birthmother. Angela’s birth grandmother continued to communicate, and when Angela was about six, we started hearing from the birthmother as well. Now Angela always hears from them at her birthday and on Christmas.
I think adoptive parents need to know that the truth is your friend and knowledge is power. I see so many people struggling with openness in adoption, and I’m here to say that as the mother of a 13-year-old girl, I think it’d be very tough for her if I had nothing at all to tell her. Adopted kids need something concrete, so they can say, “This is my past. This is where I came from.” And that’s it–knowledge is power. Even if you have minimal information-or only information about the child’s birth country-they need to know where they came from. It’s a really strong desire, whether they’re 13 or they’re 30.
Accepting Biological Differences
The Lerner family has two children, Miriam, 22, and Jacob, 18, both adopted as infants.
Twenty years ago, the typical belief was, “If you adopt a child and love them, that’s all they need.” You didn’t need to deal with the fact that your child was not biologically connected to you. Just love ’em and be there to meet their needs–that’s all you need to do to make a happy child.
We’ve learned that’s not the case. Adoptive parents need to understand that you don’t have a biological connection to your child and that you need to support and accept who they are-which might be very different from who you are. You have to recognize and accept their qualities, their strengths, their challenges, which all may be so different from your own. The fact that children grow up in the same environment with you doesn’t mean that they’re going to share your interests or your talents. You have to see them as individuals, not as who you want them to be.
Parents’ Fear of Birth Family
The Lerner family has two children, Miriam, 22, and Jacob, 18, both adopted as infants.
Sometimes adoptive families are fearful that if they give information to their child about the child’s birth family, they’ll lose something with their child. They’ll say, “If you ever have any questions and you want to talk about your birth family, feel free to come to me.” But if you don’t set a positive tone and a comfort level, that child never is going to come to you to talk about these issues. Some parents are afraid that if they let their child into a relationship with the birth family, it will become too painful, and will take away something from their own family. This relates to judging the birth family, and the need to accept that this woman or man loves this child, too.
What If I Say The Wrong Thing To My Child?
Betsy Keefer is Permanency Planning Director of the Institute for Human Services in Columbus, Ohio. She is also a consultant to the Center for Child Welfare Policy, and the author of Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past.
Kids will bombard you with questions at the worst possible moments. You’ll be late for something, and they’ll ask these questions, and you’re not going to be able to answer them perfectly. But we need to give parents permission to screw up, because we all will. You’re going to say the wrong thing sometimes and it’s ok. It’s not the end of the universe when you do. One wrong step won’t irreparably harm your child.